My Commentary of Imma Wiserd
by LovelyHeartOfJoy
Summary: This is my commentary to the worst fanfic ever posted. Enjoy! Wait...I don't think you can enjoy this story.
1. Fried Chicken

**Here is my commentary for what could very well possibly be the worst story in the history of stories. I own nothing but the comments. If I owned the story, I would jump off a cliff because I'm mentally ill. **

AN: afta redin da hairy potty books (not rly i saw the mooviez lolololol) i desided 2 make mi own hary potty storee.

note 2 da reedars: neva beliv any1 hu sayz a blak man dont like fired chickin **Racist much?**

I wuz sittin out on da porch an mi mama leend out da windo an sayed "watchu doin soulja spirit buu jackson?".**This sentence annoys me. First, there are 12 spelling mistakes. Second, that name is really long. Third, what's a 'buu' supposed to be?**

"nuttin much" i said "we gut no food".

"o turtle don cri"**Let me get this straight: His name is Soulja Spirit Buu Jackson, and his nickname is Turtle? I'm not even going to ask. -_-**

"na mama i aint mad" i says. den i loked at da gund n said "i wish i had sum fried chinkin" **What is with him and fried chicken? **den... dere wuz fried chikin on da grion!11111111111111 **Groin- Area abover the private and below the stomach. **

"yo buu wuz dat i smel" mi mama said. I lookd arund all snecky like and den i whispad "fried chikin" an it went away. **How is he able to summon fried chicken? **i wuz scared but nut in a afrayed way. **Afraid means the same thing as scared. So basically, he just wrote 'I was afraid, but not in the afraid way. **den i whispad again "fried chicken" and it appered agan!111 **Wow. **so den i desided 2 tri sumden out. "wattamelon" an dere it iz a big ol slice o watrmellon at mah fet. **May I ask why he is able to summon food? **mah mam lend out da door agan "boi now i no i smel sumden". **These might be the most illiterate people ever! **so den i leaned ova and wispad "fired chikin... wattamelon" an dey boat went away. i gut up an says 2 mi mama "lock mama!11 i aint gut nottin!11"

"but im so hundreh" sayed ma mama. **Yes, I am very hundreh. **den i felt sad. **That's amazing. You mean you actually felt sad? **so i pointed mah finger at da grund an sayed "fried chikin" den a big ol bunmch of fired chikim appeerd. **Again with fried chicken! **mi mama jumpt an scrammd. she ran in da house an slamed da door. **So his mom freaks out, but not the him? **"dun cum bak or ill shot ya!" she sayd. **Talk about tough love. **so i left. **Wow. This sentence blows me away.**

so whadda think? IF U FLAM UR RASSIST. **What did I think? Hmmmm…I really think that this story maybe the worst Fanfic ever posted. The only good reviews he'll get are the ones that he leaves for himself anonymously. **


	2. All the wrong facts

AN: im jus ritin dis now becuz i gut a butload o insparashun **What is your idea of inspiration?**

den i went 2 hagwats. **I have a few comments on this sentence. Let's get the story straight. You found out you could summon fried chicken. The your mom found out and kicked you out of the house. So you felt the house and went to Hogwarts. How did you know about Hogwarts? **dena nigga came out a no were an says "hey im harry potter". **Harry Potter is WHITE! ** i turned an said "u aint harry potter!11 i saw him in da movis!"

"i no but fo da audeance dey got a wite boi 2 play mi" **Because you are a white boy.**

"wat i said. **Bravo. I love this sentence.**

"u herd mi" **Did he?**

"dem rassist ppl!" **How is casting a white actor for a white character racist?**

i entred da big ol place were everabodi eatz **The Great hall? **an dey put da wiserd hat on mi hed and it says "yo in ravenclaw" **Sorting Hat malfunction. To be in Ravenclaw you have to be smart, wise, and literate. **

"hey daz were i stay" sed harry potter. **Harry Potter is in freaking Gryffindor! **den we both went to da room togedder. wen we were dere we saw the dumbldoor. **What a strange spelling for Dumbledore. **an he turnt 2 mi an sez "welcum 2 skool distrect 7 (wateva dat meens).**You just mixed Harry potter with Hunger games.** im ur dumbledoor." **You have won your own personal Dumbledore!**

hairy turnd t mi an seys "dis is da dumbledoor of da entire skool." **No freaking way.**

"hi mistr duumbledoor"

"yo can call mi alvin".**And you can call Hagrid Simon and Snape Theodore.**

"ok alvin" **You mean Albus?**

"goodbi" he sed an raned out on hiz broomstik. **Awkward mental image.**

"im sleepi" sed hairy potter **Hairy-having lots of hair.**

"butt its not even 12 o clock yet" i sed **Because midnight is a normal curfew.**

"i no but tomorow we hav skool **I should hope so, you're at boarding school. **an ill sho u all de pretti girlz **Wow. **an how to play bromstiks"**It's called Quidditch!**

"sho" i sed "do u lik 50 cent?" **Random topic change.**

"do u lik soulja boi?" sed harry **What does that have to do with anything?**

we were best frends. **You met him an hour ago. How do you become best friends in an hour?**

**Is anyone else wishing they could burn their eyeballs?**


	3. Turtle Dies YAY!

AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it! **No! Please, no! I'll do anything to get you to not publish it!**

da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin **Great Hall. **where all da chillin were chillin :)**?**

i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers **Racist! **whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!" **Tell it to him!**

"y" i sed **I'm so educated!**

"u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!" **It's a Great Hall!**

den hairy came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl.**Slytherins!** ur a ravencaw! u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. **Cracker? I'm going to crack your head in two! **daz rassist."

"ok" i sed

"des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman. **Could this be Hermione? **she fell in love wit me. it wuz so grat. we had brekfast togedder. **That was quick. **den we went 2 skool. **You live at school, idiot. **furst we had magik class. **You mean you had a MAGIC CLASS at MAGIC SCHOOL? That's crazy! **the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed. sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all. "i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas."**Wow. Even the teachers are racist.**

"wut" i sed.

"dun worri, im nut rassist"***Cough* Yes *cough* you are. ** she sad. "sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik."**And the difference is…**

"well ok" i sed

she gave us lots o homwork. **What's your homework? Eat fried chicken? **

we had mor classes. **Big shocker. **den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. "wats dis 4?" i sed. "4 bromstiks fool!" harry sed.** You're ALL fools. ** "dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman.**Great advice!**

"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski. **As opposed to the gorund?**

but u hav 2 dog dis cuz it will try an hit u" he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed" **It just hit you in the head. Shouldn't you be in the Hospital Wing?**

"sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" and the big blak ball flu into da sky.**Bludgers don't just follow orders. **

den he tok da biggist ball of dem all. it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" sed harry potter. **Wow. You caught a ball while you wre on the gorund. A two-year-old could do that. **so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt. "my balls hert!" i sed. **Awkward! **"sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did. meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets.**Wait…a game started? But…I'm lost.** dey wa cherin. den i saw da flin bal. i didnt wan t harry to see it so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil"

"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!"**Don't catch the delicious chocolate and peanut candy!**

"ok" i sed lik i didn se it.**You're an amazing liar. *Small, separated claps***

"wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!" **Umm…is that wrong? Yes, yes it is. **

i went up but wen i wuz abutt to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. He poented his wond at me "die".**How did he get there? ** i den fel off mah bromstik. "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed.

"TURTLE!11111" sed herman. da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin. it hit da grund. then i died. **Yay!**

**Wait…It's not over? Awwwwwww.**


	4. Consequences and Rewards

An: heres anodder chapper! **How unfortunate. **

da next day i wook up in da hosbitel. "ur all betta" sed da nurse. **You died, but then came back to life. You're okay.**

"nigga don scar me lik dat" sed herman. **Nice wake-up call.**

"u almost dyd" sed harry pottr. **Obviously.**

"wut was dat?" i sed.

"it wuz da dark lord vadermort **You know…Vadermort. Darth Vader and Voldemort's kid. **and he wantz to hurt ur mama"**Why?**

"WART?11" i sed **Not your wart…your mama.**

"u gotta lisin turtle u gotta kill vadermort. it sed so in da profasi"**Yes. Because it is spelled p-r-o-f-a-s-i.**

"dat sounds dangerus" sed herman **Give the girl an A!**

"yeah he wants 2 destroi da world" sed harry

"ok" i sed "if he touchs ma mama IMMA POP A CAP IN DAT NIGGAS ASS!11111"**Voldemort is white.**

den da dubledoor cam in. "shuddnt u chilldrn b in class?" he sed **Yeah. But Turtle died.**

"but da dark lard almst killd turtel!11" sed herman **Correction. He did. But Turtle came back to life. **

"dun say dat name" sed da vadermort "especially u turtle" **But you say it!**

"well ill hafta suspind u all" sed dumbeldoor "especially u turtle" den da dumbldor runnd awy on his bromstik. so we all went bak to our rooms. **SO you get suspended and then go back to the rooms at your school?**

i went to sleep. when i wuz alssep i saw da man wit da blak cape and da blak coat. dere was a snake coimg out of da front a himself. he wuz sittin in a char in fron of da fried place. he sed 2 da snape "imma kill dat nigga boi soulja spirit buu jackson" I woke up scard. dere wuz som1 under da cofers wit me. it wuz herman. she wuz nekked. **How did you not notice she was there?**"lets hav sex" she said. so she bends over and i stuk my big blak cok in her tinee wite ass. **I need a bucket.**

"YES TURTLE YES" she sed. den i cam. an we stop. "what r u doin" sed harry next to me. "noddin" i sed ambarrist. "oh. i tot i herd somting." **Just me grunting because I'm having inappropriate encounters with herman. **

"i didnt heer noddin" i sed.

"oh, okay" sed harry and he went bak to slep. **Harry goes back to sleep and then goes to breakfast? **den we all went doon 2 brekfest. "how did u slep?" sed herman. "gret" i sed an slimed.

"what're u guys takken bout" sed harry pottr.

"aww noddin" i sed an i smield.

"yeh" sed herman an she smiled.

"yeh" i sed an i slmied 2.

"what r u boiz smilin bout?" sed da dumbeldoor.

"ah noddin" **Alert the redundancy Police of Redundancy!**

"well u had bettr hury up an get 2 clss" sed da dubledoor.

"ok we sed an den we went 2 magik class

"did u all do ur homerk?" sed da teakher?

"i didnt" i sed.

"why not, turtle! u hav such potenshal!" she sed **You could work at KFC!**

"bcuz he was almost kiled bi vadermort" we sed.

"u fot vadermort? **You spoke his name! **u must b a grat wizrd!" she sed. "fin u get an a+" she sed.** You mean an O?**

we sat thro class.

AN: haha u thot i wuz ded didnt u! **I was hoping….**well i trikd u lololol mor chpters cummin soon **Bummer**


	5. Magic Johnson and The 'Nigger Class'

**4 chapters down, 62 more to go….**AN: tanks 4 all da gud reveuz! **Good reviews?**recntly i watched da hary pottr moovies again so i cud get ma fadcts strat.

"helo everabodi mah nam is magik jonson" sed magik jonson. **What is a basketball player doing teaching at Hogwarts?**

"water u doin techin dis class" i sed **Maybe he'll answer my question**

"im ur techer" sed magik jonson "dey duont call mi magik 4 noddin!1 wen i quit bascetball i bcam a techer at hogwats" i loked arond da room. dere wuz alot o niggas in dis class. **Why?**an... DRACO!111 but he sat at da bak o da classrom. **Talk about segregation. **

"class 2day we will lurn how 2 sumon patronises" **You don't learn that till 5****th**** or 6****th**** year!**

"wuz a patronis" i sed

"ull see" sed magik jonson.

so we went in2 da midle off da room

"normaly wen pracisin wit partorises we normally use dememtors... but seeing as how dis is a blak magik class"**That makes everything different. ** an he winked "were gonna use somtin alidle bit diferant" **Told you. **he went ova to da closet an opned in. an out came... A KLUKKLUCKSKLANMAN!1111 **That's a funny word. I mean try saying it! **

so we all wnet up an did r patronises. ron did a snak. **Ron's black? **jenni did a egele. den i cam up an did a big o dragen. "DAZ AMAZING" sed magik jonson. **Of course. **

den draco cam up an did a cjickin cuz he wuz a chikin. **Again with the chicken! **"dat wuz dum" sed magik jonson "u fail". **Talk about bad teaching. **drako wen bak 2 da bak of da room.

den da police came**To Hogwarts?** an arrestd me fo no reson.** Maybe the story will end!** "wuz goin on" sed makig jonson. "ur under arrest" sed da cops. an dey tok me away an i wen to jail.

An: suzpensfl iznt it? **I'm dying to know what happens next. **nex chapta cummin soon **That was sarcasm.**


	6. Jailtime, a Dragon, and Vadermort

AN: im glad 2 see dat evry1 likd mi stori **People like your story? Are they living in the same mental house as you? **so i desided 2 rit da nex chapta now!111

i wuz in jail. **Were you put in jail for the crime of not knowing how to write well? **it wuz cold but i had a cot an a toylet an mi romatez nam wuz kiwan. i wuz sad.** As opposed to being happy?**

"let mi out!11" i sed.

"no" he sed.**I agree with the officer.**

"why did yo put mi in here i didnt do aniting" i sed.

"bcuz ur a nigger an as u no we da police hate niggers"**That may be the most racist thing I have ever heard.**

"U CANT US DAT WORD" sed kiwan

"yeh daz r word" i sed.**That's /your/ word?**

"nigger nigger niger" he sed an began 2 laff.

"well i no a word u mite like" i sed "DRAGEN!111111" den a dragen cam out.**Okay. Stop right there. He can summon a dragon?**

"!11111111111111111111111" he sed as the ragen began 2 eat him **I find it funny that the policeman said "!"**

"hes a blak magicon!1" sed anodder gard. **Oooh! Magiacian, can you do a card trick?**

"den i gess well haf 2 tak away his wand!1" sed annoder. an dey did. **Where did the dragon go? He just summoned it without a wand!**

"now u cant us magic!1" sed kiwan "but i wish u did... dey dont feed niggas lik us in jail..."

den i had an idea. "du u lik fried chickin"

"sho i do" he sed "but not all blak ppl lik fried chikin. dat wud be rassist" **Note to readers: in the 1****st**** chapter's AN, the writer said that all nlacks liked fried chicken. **

"ok" i sed an pointed at da grund an sed "fried chickin" an dere it was.**Why don't you summon a dragon instead? Or a key?**

"hooooray!1111111111111111" sed kiwan. "ur da gratist wiserd iv eva nown!"**You're the only wizard he's ever known.**

den... da fried chickin startd 2 chang... it wuz... VADERMORT!1111111111111 **Vadermort popped out of chicken? I'm going to go trash my chicken nuggets…**

"die" he sed but kiwan jumpd in da wai an his hed esploded! **Ow….**

"beep" sed vadermort **Vadermort's a robot!**

"turtle! get mi uzi! its i n mi left pokket!1" sed kiwan. **I thought his head exploded. **an i did. **WHy didn't he use that against the officers?**an i shot bullets on vadermort.**As opposed to….?**

"IM DIING!" sed vadermort. blod wuz goin evrywere.**Ewwww**

"never trust a blak wizard" i sed. an i sed "DRAGEN" an dere wuz more blod evrywere.

"AHHHH IM DIING EVEN MOR!11" sed vadermort.**This sentence amuses me**

den he fel on da grund ded.

"U KILLD VADERMORT!111" sed harry potter. **WOAH. Where did he come from?**

"GUD JOB" sed magik jonson.

den snap cam up an sed "cum 2 mi oriface"

AN: but dunt worri dis is nut da last uv herd of darth vader!111 **(Wait….Darth vader is going to make an appearance? Where did his son and husband go? ;)**


	7. Turtle is about to die Again

**I would like to inform you that the original chapter of this was "Dinner with Snape." He spelled it correctly!**

"my my what an ingoyable meal" sed snape totchin da sids of his moth wit his napkin. ** My meal was VERY ingoyable. **he wuz sitin at his desk eatin. i wuz sitin in a char in front of his desk. i wasn't eatin. he wiped his hands off on da napikn an folded it in a tryangl bside his plat. **It's like he's at a tea party.**

"you moronic negresint layabout. do you know why i brot you here?" sed snape.

i didnt no.**You don't know anything.**

"leef da poor boi alone" sed hagrid.**Poor in knowledge.**

"no. i think he shud be expeled." sed snape.

"well why" sed da dubleedor.

"becuz he brot a gun to school." sed snape.**He was in jail and it wasn't a gun.**

"but he wuz trien 2 fite vadermort" sed herman.

"thats no alabi" sed snape. "he hangs at sundown"**Will the story end?**

"WAT!1111" sed harry potre. **Take notice that Harry was in the room. You'll see why.**

"you heard me" sed snape.

"its tru" sed da dumbledoor "bringin a gun 2 skool is punishable by death. especally if ur blak"**wow.**

"!11111111111111" sed herman.

"but wayt! da suns alreddy down!" i sed.**Are you trying to die quicker?**

"then i guess we have to hang you now!" sed snape.**I'm with Snape. I need a shirt that says that…**

"N

"!111111111111111" sed herman. an began 2 cry.

den... out of no were... HARRY POTTER BUST IN2 DA ROOM!11111**See, harry was already in the room.**

"hey wait! u cant kill turtle! den hus goona kill vadermort!" he sed.

**Random time skip.**

i wuz standin on da stage wit ma hed in da rope.

hermon wuz dreesed in a blak dress wit a vail an cryin on harys sholder.**Like a bride…**

"hahaha" sed snape. it wuz thunderin an lightnin and rain wuz fallin everywere. "with you gone, vadermort can rule then world!111"

i wuz a gonner.**Yay!**

AN: now dat wuz excitin!111 sorry it tok so long. i had to look up those big words for snape bcuz hes wite an probably jewish.**What big words? Snape isn't Jewish. What does that…I give up.**


	8. Stranger Danger!

i wuz abot 2 die.**If you die, will the story end?**

den... a big blak nigga flu in on a grifen **Griffins in harry Potter? **an thru me ma bromstik.

"!11111111111111" sed snape.**Did Snape just say "!"?**

i got on mi bromstik an flu awai wit da big blak nigga. **You don't know him. STRANGER DANGER!**we flu ova till we fund his apartmant.**Wow. What's he going to give you? Candy?**

"hi im shieqwaz" he sed

"call mi turtle" i sed.**But my real name is much longer.**

"im snapes brodder" sed shieqwaz. **Snape has a black brother?**

"no u aint" i sed "dat nigga aint blak" **A "nigger" is black.**

"yes i is" he sed "we bof haff da saim mama but i cam out blak an he cam out jewish. **WHAT? How does that make since? **eva sinse den hes hated blak ppl"

"wel vadermort looks kind o jewish. do u tink dey cud b da same guy"**Voldemort looks Jewish? Wow….**

"i don no" sed shieqwaz.**What do you know?**

den i had an idea dat wud rly work **Launch yourself off the top of the tower?**

AN: wel dat wuz a clifhangr!11 **Yes. I'm DYING of anticipation.**


	9. Catching a Two Faced Jew

AN: sory it tok so long dis was a long chapta an i had 2 look up how 2 spell snapes words. **Is it possible that you know what a dictionary is?**

snape wuz wakkin down da halway. "yes now that weve gotten that awful nigger **Apparently everyone is a nigger. **off my hands nothing will get in the way of my plans!1"

he keppt on wakkin down da halway.

"only 1 more thing could make this day even better" he sed. **He had a premonition.**den he saw somden on da ground. it wuz a 5 dolla bill. **A 5 dollar bill? What does a wizard want with a 5 dollar bill?**

"ohhhh a 5 dollor bill" sed snape. he bent down to pik it up. but den... it moved just out of his reech!

"that was odd" sed snape. an he bent down to pik it up agin. but it movd agin!

"well this is making me quite angry" sed snape. **Way to express your feelings! **and evrytim he pikd it up it went out of his reech.

he went 2 da end of da halway "ahh i got u now!" he sed. but wen he sed dat a sak went ova his hed!

"got u" i sed.

"curses" sed snape. **Foiled again!**

"we got u now" sed shieqwan"

"let me go" sed snape. **YOU'RE A FREAKING WIZARD!**

we put him in a rum an put him in a char.

"SHIEQWAN" sed snake.

"brodder" sed shieqwan.

"r u vadermort?" i sed. **Is Voldemort your father?**

"ill never tell" sed snape.

"not even 4... 5 dollors" **Who breaks that easily for 5 stinking dollars?**

snape lookd lik he wuz gonna eat dat 5 dolla bill. **I don't know how to respond to this…**

"ok" sed snape "ill tell u if im vadermort or not. mi tru identidy is"...

den wit his magik he got out of da char. **He finally realized he is a wizard.**

"gettim" sed shieqwan.

i tryd. but i cudnt cuz dey tok away mah wand in jail. **SUMMON A DRAGON, FOOL!**

"hes gettin away" sed shieqwan.

den snape got out his gun. **What happen to wands? And curses?**

"now youll die... **FOREVER**!11111111111" he sed.

"NOT IF I KILL U FIRST" sed shieqwan.

"you wont hurt me im your brothr" sed snape.

"yes i wud snape... or shud i say... VADERMORT" sed shieqwan.

"how did you know" sed snape. **You idiot! Lie!**

"its queyt simpl" sed shieqwan "bcuz u an vadermort r never in da smae place at da same time!" **Neither are YOU and Voldemort! Are you vadermort?**

"DAM U" sed snape. "u were 2 smart for me" **Everyone is to smart for you. Elmo has more brains than you.**

"now dat u no mi secret i cant let u life"

den he started 2 shoot bullets on me. **As opposed to carrots?**mi blud wuz goin evrywere. an den i died. **Again? Are you going to stay dead?**

AN: is dis da end... or is it! **I wish it was the end….**


	10. The Black God

i meet god **The title of the Chapter. Does this mean he is dead?**

i woke up in heven. soulja boy wuz playin an i saw dis big ol nigga in a wit robe dat lookd lik 50 cent. **Oh my…Did you just call the all-powerful God a "nigger?"**

"hello turtle" he sed.

"how do u no mi name" i sed

"bcuz im god turtle" he sed i wuz amased. **You were amazed by the Black God?**

"am i ded" i sed.

"yes u r" sed god. **Yay! Party at my huse!**

"den dat meen..." i sed

"yes it duz" sed god "but dont cri turtle cuz it aint yo tym yet so im senden u bak. **Aw…**i wan u 2 kill dat evil jew hu killd mi only son" **Who would that be?**

"yes lod" i sed.

"an rememba turtle, i will alweys bein wachin ova u. goodbi" sed god

"godbi" i sed.

i woke up in mi room.

"wuz wrong" sed hary pottr "u look wit as a cracker" **These racist comments are killing me…**

"aw noddin" i sed. **Nothing. I just died and met the nigger who calls himself God. **

"well u woke up jus in tim" sed shieqwaz "da bromstik chaminship is stardin an ur da star playa" **Star player? What planet am I on?**

**WHEN WILL IT END? Oh yeah. It does end. At chapter 76! **


	11. Foul Play

bromstiks championship **Why can't he call it Quidditch?**

i wuz in da locka room. i wuz so nervus. i hadnt ben arond 2 pratise bcuz i wuz ded. **Unfortunately, you had to ruin my day and come back to life!**

i wuz lokin for ma bromstik. but i cudnt find it. den i turnd arund. it wuz... VADERMORT STEALING MI BROMSTIK!11111111 **Uh oh. I would be worried for him but he won't stay dead!**

"haha" he sed "an gess wut. i killd evry bodi else on ur team! now ull nevr win!"

"wut" i sed

"thers no way ull beet us at bromstiks now" he sed "and then well kill u. hahaha" an then he flu off on ma bromstik.

"wut am i gonna do now" i sed

i wen on da feeld.

"waddiya doin turtle? da championship is about 2 bigin!1" sed hary potta **I thought Vadermort killed everyone on the team!**

"i cant" i sed. "vadermort stole mah bromstik" **Borrow one. Oh, I forgot you were racist. Go steal one. **

"DAT THEFFIN BIGNOSE CRACKA" sed hary potter **Correcton! Vadermort does not have a nose. You will notice that I call him vadermort now. It is because I find the idea quite…funny.**

"an he killd evry1 else on da teem1!" i sed

"WUT" sed hary " how r we gonna win now!" **Here's the thing…you don't!**

den we lookd ova.

"oh my god" we sed. da deth eattas had brot... DA KLU KLUX KLAN

dey didnt hav bromstiks. but dey had guns a flammin cross an a rope.

"hey look niggers!" sed 1. an dey all started to shot at us.

"deres way were gonna win now" sed hary potta.

den i got an idea."DRAGEN" i sed an a dragen apeerd. **What is with him sometimes needing his wand and sometimes not?**

i got on da dragens bak an me an hary went up into da air.

we only had me and hary an we had to play aginst da deatheaters hufflpuff grifendoor an sliterin ALL AT DA SAME TIME.

"GET DA NIGGERS" sed da klukluklan guy an dey all started to shot at us.

"how can dey still see us!1" sed hary pottr

it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit an we wuz da only blak guys on da feild. **Wow. That may be the most racist image ever painted in my mind.**

"it is bcuz da ski is wit an we is da only blak guys on da feeld" i sed. **Once again, Call the Redundant Police of Redundancy once again! **

vadermort lookd ova "dis is da worst ting eva!1 how cud mi plan not hav workd!" **What happened to your plan? **

den da dubledoor flu up an sed "let da game bgin. lets play fair" **Vadermort ALWAYS listens to the rules. **den da buza sounded.


	12. Spoiler alert Harry dies!

mi an hary pottr were da onli ppl on da ravencow teem. **Besides the effing fact that Harry is in Gryffindor.**all da odda teems was flyin arond trin to put dere balls in r hols. **I'm going to vomit now…**an da kluklanklan wuz shootin up at us.

"hary u gard da goals. ill lok 4 da snigger" i sed. **Who cares about winning! Get out of there!**

i flu up high on mi dragen. "GET DAT NIGGA" sed a griffendor. "NOT B4 I PUT A BAL IN UR HOL" sed a slithrin. **Is the author doing that on purpose?**"ILL BEET U BOT" sed a hufflypuff. den he fell down. he wuz accidently shot bi da klukluxklan.

i wuz fliin up in da air lokin 4 da snikker. den i saw vadermort. "die" he sed buit i flew out of da way. instead he hit a griffindoor an he esploded.

"U MISSD MI" **"Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!"**i sed an went bak 2 lokin 4 da snigger. "die" sed vadermort again. den he missd an hit a death eater an he died.

i wuz fliin an vadermort wuz chasin mi. den i saw... draco!1 an he saw mi. "now die soulja spirit buu jackson!1" an he pulld out his gun. an he shooted mi but i got out of da way an instead he hit... VADERMORT!11 **These people have HORRIBLE aim.**

"AHHHHHH" sed vadermort. den vadermort pointed his wand at draco an his brom esploded an he fel in2 da klukluxklan but dey didnt hurt him cuz he was wite. **?**

"ah ha" sed vadermort. he had fond da snigger. i lokd dwon. da snigger wuz in da middle of da feeld.. right in da middle of... DA KLUXKLUXKLAN.

he wuz divin 2ward it and so did i. dere was bodis all ova da feeld. da klukluxklan wuz shotin up.

"u cant let da klukluxklan get da snigger" sed hary potta "or dey win da gaem!1111" **PEOPLE ARE DYING! Who cares about the game?**

da klukluxklan wasnt shotin at vadermort. he wuz wite. **They may not be shooting at him because he controls them! **dey wuz shotin at me but dey kept missin an hittin everibody else!11

"hey lok deres da snigger!1" sed da klukluxklanman an started runin 2ward it. "!11111111111111111111111111111" i sed

"yes" sed vadermort as da klukluxklan man put his hand on da snigger.

but da ball went throo da klukluxklansmans hand. den i reelised... dey werent da klukluxklan... DEY WERE GHOSTS!111111 **But they held guns and brooms! Tip to the author: Look up the word consistency**

"u fools!1" sed vadermort.

bcuz dey were gosts i flew thro dem an got da snigger. but dey shot up mi dragen. an it died. **I thought they couldn't hold guns….**

"!" sed vadermort.

den da buzza sonded. da game wuz ova. "U WIN" sed da dumbledoor.

"u may haff won this tim... BUT NOT 4 LONG!11111111" sed vadermort. den he pointed his wand at harry. "die" he sed. harry esploded. he fell off his bromstik.

"QUIK GET DA DOKTA" but bi da tim we got dere hge was alredy ded. **Will he stay dead?**

"haha sed vadermort and him an his detheaters flew away. **I'm dying! How can this story get any worse? Yet, knowing the quality of the work, it probably can!**


	13. Applebee's Date

"U WON DA CHAMPIONSHIP!1111" sed herman. **Does no one care that Harry freaking Potter is dead?**

"good job" sed da dumbledoor.

"weres draco?" sed herman

"o he almost died" sed da dumbledoor. "but da best part is every1 on da sliteryn teem died!" **What a caring Headmaster.**

"we shud celebrate" sed herman an she startd kissin up on mi.

"i no maybi we cud go 2 a fancy restrant" i sed.

"rly" sed herman.

"ya we can go 2 applebees!11" i sed. **Since when is Applebees fancy?**

den she huggd mi an started kissin up on me even more.

dat nite i desided 2 do somden speshal. it wuz r first date. so i took a shower. i put on ma best cothes.

i took herman 2 applebees. **If I were Herman, I would dump his sorry butt to next Friday.**

"dis is amazin!" she sed.

we sat down an dis fancy french guy cam 2 us an sed "wuts yo order" he sed.

"ill get a cowboy burger" i sed "wit friez n onions"

"ok an wut wud u lik missy?" he sed.

"ill hav a salad an sum water"

"ok" he sed an den he went away 2 get r food

but den... hu walkd in... BUT DRACO!111 an he sat down bside herman.

"watta u doin!1" i sed

"noddin" sed draco lookin arund all sneekily an den he walkd away. **Awkward….**

en da fancy french guy brot r food an we eatted it. **I can' t take it! Where does the author live so I can go give him a grammar lesson!**

den we went bak 2 hogwats an she tok off her cloze an got in mah bed.

i wuz about 2 put mi big blak cock in her tiny wite ass but den i realisd... dere wuz somebody already in dere! **How did you not notice that?**

den i turnd on da lite. herman wuz havin sex wit draco!1111 **In your bed? Creepy….**

"U MEEN BITCH" i sed.

"wait dont leef me!" she sed but i wuz alredy up an out of da room. **You left your room?**

AN: thx 4 all da gud reviewz!111 **Good reviews? *asphyxiating* **


	14. A Dinner of babies

AN: dis chapta wuz brot 2 u by da AFCA. da americin fried chikin associashun. **Even with my comments, this chapter barely takes up a page!**

"wut r we gonna do about dat nigga" sed vadermort. he wuz sittin in his evil lair havin dinna wit dracula an hitler. **Wait, if Snape is a Jew and Snape is Vadermort, then Vadermort is a Jew and Hitler is allies with Vadermort, then Hitler is allies with a Jew. Did anyone understand that? **dey were eatin babies. **This sentence makes me laugh.**

"i say we kill him!" sed dracula

"gutantof gutantof chocolate choclate gutantof" sed hitler wich wuz german 4 "i agree we shud kill him" **No. I assume you meant "Gutentag" which means that Hitler said, "Hi, hi, chocolate chocolate, hi!"**

"ive tried dat u fool!" sed vadermort "hes such a great blak magicon dat he keeps cumming bak 2 life" **I wish he would stay dead too…**

dracula tok a bit of his baby. "den how r we gonna kill dat nigga"

"i dont know" sed vadermort. den hitler screemed.

"KINDERGAREN" he sed wich wuz german 4 "deres sumden rong wit mi baby" **No, Kindergarten means a level of pre-school.**

den dracula lookd ova "wait dat isnt a baby... dis is fried chiknin!11"

den vadermort had an idea.

"i no" he sed. "ill go bak in time an make sure dat FRIED CHIKIN WUZ NEVER INVENTED!111" **Yet, he will still be able to summon a dragon!**

"daz a good idea" sed dracula an hitler clappin dere hands.

dracula finished his meel. "my my wut an enjoyable meel" he sed dabbing da sides of his cape.

den vadermort starded speekin "by tomorrow everythin in hogwart is gonna BE ALL WHITE!11

AN: ohhh dat wuz scarry... i wundda wuts gonna happen next!11 **How do you not know? You ARE the author! Wait, can someone who writes this filth be called an author?**


	15. Harry Potter Returns

it wuz nittime. i wuz sittin under a tree cryin. dat meen bitch herman wuz cheetin on me wit draco.

"dat meen bitch" i sed cryin. why wuz she cheetin on me. i didnt no. **I know why7. No one in the universe wants to date an ugly, racist idot who can't spell at all and has a long name and stupid nickname!**

just den... from behind a tree... i saw a memba of DA KLUKLUXKLAN!111111111111111111

he wuz wakkin 2wards me. i reechd 4 my wand. but i didnthave it cuz da police took it away when i was in jail. **Summon something!**

"nooooo dont hurt me" i sed but he kept commin.

he reeched out his hand. an his hand went throo me.

it wasnt a memba of da klukluxklan... IT WUZ A GOST!1111

"hey turtle wutchu doin all da way out heer" sed da gost. den i reelised... it wuz da ghost of HARRY POTTRE!11111 **Apparently, he stayed dead. Turtle should take lessons from him. **

"hary! ur a ghost!" i sed.

"i no. dat evil jew vadermort killed me" he sed. "why u out heer turtle"

"dat meen bitch herman cheeted on me wit draco" **Herman's new nickname is "Meen Bitch". Don't you find it funny that the words he never misspells are cuss words?**

"dat meen bitch. but dont worry turtle. dere are odder girls. ur da sexiest blak man ever" ***commentator choking* **

"rly" i sed

"rly" he sed. "well lets go 2 sleep. we hve class 2morrow."

so we went 2 r room an went 2 sleep.

AN: u thot hary potter wuz gone... but i triked u!111** Too many plot twists that don't make sense.**


	16. No more Magic

**Oh my god….so sorry for no updates in 4 months. :/… I just really wanted my eyeballs intact, thank you very much. Well, apparently 11 or so chapters were added so 16 out of 83 done. :p**

afta we had brekfest we went 2 class. me ghost harry were sittin next 2 eachodder while da teacher wuz teachin. **Wait…someone get a Guinness World Record official! A teacher was actually teaching!**

den... dat meen bitch herman came in. she tried 2 sit next to me but she almost sat on ghost harry, **Only you can see him?**

"HEY" i sed "herry's sittin dere!1"

"sorry" she sed and den went 2 go sit somewhere else.

in class we lernd how 2 grow flowers with magik. i cudnt do it well bcuz i had no wand **Hmmm…so you only have magic at certain times? Like summoning a dragon with now and is okay, but you can't grow flowers?**

an den class ended. ***commentator faints in surprise at plot twist***

den dis old man came up 2 me. "i rememba u" **Stalker grandpa!**

"wut" i sed

"yeh i remember you" he sed **…**

"ok" i sed. den we went 2 lunch. **Pay no attention to creepy old guy.**

so we sat down at da table. i was rly hungry 4 sum fried chikin. but dere was none on da table. **You should die out of surprise…oh wait you can't die.**

"ill have to fix dat" i sed "fried chikin" but noddin happend. "fried chikin" i sed agin, but noddin happend. **Oh no! **den i turned 2 magik jonson who wuz sittin across from mi.

"wheres all da fried chikin" i sed.

"fired chikin?" he sed "wuz dat?" **Fired chicken is a chicken who is currently removed from a job.**

"u no fried chikin" i sed.

"iv never herd of it" he sed.

den i started 2 get scared. **Get scared when there is no fried chicken, but not when an old guy says 'I remember you.' Good priorities.**

"OH MY GOD" sed ghost harry "VADERMORT MUST HAVE GONBE BACK IN TIME TO MAKE IT SO DAT FRIED CHIKIN WUZ NEVER INVENTED!111111111111111" **How does Harry remember what it is?**

"daz terrible!" i sed " life wont b da same witout fried chikin!1 an i cant use magic anymore!" **News Update…fried chicken is the source of his magic.**

"u cant use magik animore?" sed magik jonson "den you haff 2 get da hell out of dis skool!11111" **Please leave school. The story has a chance of ending if you do.**

but we cudnt leev yet. we had one more class... **He has one more magic class when he can't use magic.**

**-_-… I am dying on the inside, readers. Its not just you-this story is really bad. Please comment!**


	17. Evil Gets Away

**The story continues…wait, sorry. Start over. The horror continues. Ladies, gentlemen, & things, chapter 16 of hell…**

we went into snapes class. he toaut da dark arts. not dark as is blak, bcuz dat was magik jonson. **Ohhhh the racist class. **dark as in evil.

i knew dat snape wuz vadermort an wut he had done so we were lookin all angry like at eachodder all class. **Just glare angrily-don't arrest him or capture him or anything.**

"i went bak in time an made sure fried chikin wuznt invented. now u have no magic powers. den all cum up 2 ur room 2night and kill u!111111111" **Woah. Who said this? And why is no one doing ANYTHING?**

i cudnt do magik so all class i talkd wit ghost harry. **Just talk…don't leave or do anything. Useless piece of….*$%^**

as i wuz goin to mi room i saw herman an draco lovin up on eachodder. i got rly mad. **Awww…You know what Turtle? I might feel bad, if youw eren't a racist know-it-all who actually knows nothing!**

den snape came out of his class. "dracula, wat are you doing" he sed.

"WUT!1" i sed.

"VADERMORT U FOOL" sed draco **Way to blow your covers!**

"oops" sed snape. **I just revealed your identity. Let me say oops to make it all better.**

den i saw it... draco wuz short 4... DRACULA!111111 **To be honest, as stupid as this is, that's the most clever part of the story. So on a to 10 scale, it finally got up to a negative 387.**

"wut!11" sed herman "ur a vampire?1"

"DAM" sed dracula

den filtch came in wit his cat sweepin da floors. he turned 2 snape "irchskinveikshin" **Which is German for….gibberish!**

"hitler! weve gotta get out of here!1" sed snape

snape took a dolla bill out of his pocket and it grew 2 da size of a carpet. **Since when do wizards carry money instead of **

"EVERYBODY! QUICK! BACK 2 DA LAIR!11" sed vadermort. den snape, flitch and draco jumped on it and flew away.**You idiot-capture them!**


	18. What to Do

**I dreamt of the day when this story would actually become good. Too bad we'll never see that day….**

"U BLEW MI COVA VADERMORT!111" sed dracula. dey were all sittin at da table. vadermort dracula hitler and wolfman. **Wolfman? What is he doing here? **

"wen r da fried babis gonna' get heer!" sed wolfman. **Note to self: Villains eat babies.**

"enuff chit chat" sed vadermort "i wud like 2 introduce 2 u our most sincer member an da founder of dis organisashun... da deevil." **NO FREAKING WAY! I didn't know devil was spelled d-e-e-v-i-l!**

a death eater rolled in a crinkled old man in a wheel chair. **Ladies and gentlemen…behold the most powerful demon ever.**

"i heer dat u boys have been havin trouble killin dis nigga" sed da devil.

"yes" sed vadermort "weve killd him... tried 2 beet him at bromstiks... we dont no wut 2 do!11" **I'm on their side-Turtle needs to go and well..die.**

"well deres more den 1 way 2 kill a nigger" sed devil. "in mi day we killd niggers all da time." **You had a day? When, 600 years ago when you killed blacks?**

"but we have a plan. we went bak in time an made it so dat fried chikin wuz never invented. now he cant use magik. niw all we have to do is kill him 2nite." **So suddenly he isn't invincible? **

"well dis is wut u do..." sed da devil...

**Another cliffhanger! I must read on. Why? Not out of interest, out of duty to commentate this trash to you.**


	19. A War, Black Hole, and a Vacuum

**Warning: This story is 3 pages long…I'm crying :'(**

i wuz packin mi stuff 2 get ready to leef. an ghost harry wuz helpin mi. **Cause all ghosts can pick things up**

"im gonna miss u turtle" sed ghost harry.**I won't**

"im gonna miss u too ghost harry" i sed.

so i picked up mi suitcase and wnet 2 da gates. **It might be ending!**

"goodbye" i sed. **Ah…final goodbyes.**

den... da gate esploded an vadermort flu in on his dolla bill wit hitler wolfman an dracula! and there army of detheaters!111 **And the horror still does not end!**

"GET DAT NIGGA" he sed an dey all started attak me. dey took out dere guns and dere magik wands and started 2 shoot magik an bullets at mi. **Magic bullets? What do they do? Actually kill Turtle? **but i cudnt fite bak bcuz i cudnt use magik an hary cudnt fite bcuz he wuz a gost. **The first consistency ever.**

dracula flew through da air an jumpped on me. "HOW DO U LIKE DA TASTE OF DIS NIGGA" he se an was about to bite my neck.** GO ON!** den... HE WUZ KNOCKED OFF BY A FLYING PINK VACUMCLEANER!1111 **Stupid thing…Wait, where did it come from?**

it wuz... HERMAN!1111 "TAK DAT MUTHAFUKA" she sed. **I thought she was a "meen bitch."?**

"noooo dere gonna soot u!1" i sed an wolfman 2ward her as da detheaters started 2 shoot at her. **Let's take a vote: Those in favor of her dead say "Aye.". Those who want her alive, say "Nay." I assume no one said nay.**

den he wuz shot down bi bullets. da dumbledor wuz standing wit a gatling gun in his hands!11

"WHAT" sed vadermort. an da dumbledoor shot him off his dolla bill. **The allpowerful gone prevails against FREAKING MAGIC!**

"I THOT WE CUDNT BRING GUNS 2 SKOOL" sed harypotter. **Touché, Harry.**

"teechers can" sed da dukbledoor. **Well then…**

he thru me a gun. **Students can't have guns! **

"guns dont use magik" he sed.

den we all started 2 fite da detheatters.

da dumbledoor shot down da first row wit his gatling gun. "TAKE DAT BITCHES" he sed. **But they are boys….**

"URCHKIN FURTIVATIN" **Translation: Kill Turtle so no one cans uffer from his illiteracy. **sed hitler an took out his RPG lancher an started firen. dey were esplodin everywere.

"DUUUUUUUCK!11111111111111" sed da dumbledoor an we jumped bhind a wall.

we were all firn at dem an dey were firn at us. dere wuz soooo many of dem!1111

den da dumbledoor took a remote control an hit a button.

dere wuz an esploshun in da middle of da detheaters. wolfman howled in pain. **Of course….**

"wut wuz dat?" i sed.

"i put remotecontrol landmines aaaaaallllll over hogwarts incase someden like dis hapined." sed da dumbledoor. **Cause everyone has landmines in case vadermort invades….**

"no my patronis!1" sed herman.

dracula wuz holdin on 2 da flyin pink vacumcleener and da detheaters wuz trin 2 shot it down. **You cannot shoot a Patronus**

"wait weres harry?" i sed.

he wuz in da middle of da detheaters but dey cudnt hurt him bcuz he wuz a ghost an he wuz now wite. **He was the skin color he was supposed to be? *le gasp**

d dumbledoor hit 2 more buttens. da entire bak of da detheaters esploded. dracula wuz thrown off da vacumcleener.

da vacumcleener flew bak. it had a hole in da bag.

"nooooooo!11" sed herman and she took out her sewing kit 2 fix it. **Quote from harry Potter: "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?"**

a bullet hit da ground bside me. dere were 30 guys on da roof bhind us! **He can count all the way up to 30? ** i took my gun an shot dem all down. **So talented. Its almost /not real/.**

"tanks" sed da dumbledoor an kept shotin wit his gatlingun. vadermrot wuz trin 2 get away. **Like Vadermort would be a wuss.**

"OH HELL NO" i sed an ran out from bhind da wall shootin at vadermort.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111" sed herman but she was 2 busy sewing 2 do anyting. **I was too busy sewing to save someone's life, ya know. :/**

i wuz dogin all da bullets **How slow were these bullets? One tenth of a mile per hour?a**n shootin da detheatrs an shootin vadermort.

"good now ive got u" sed da devil.

den i turned around an saw da devil flyin around in his wheelchair. **Ooh! A guy in a wheelchair, I'm sooo scared!**

"TAKE DIS" he sed an a door came out of nowere in front of me. he opened it an 2 detheaters grabbed me. inside da door wuz... HELL(sorry 4 da dirty laguig)!11111111111111111 **Two things: First..hell does not fit in a door! Second, since when is 'hell' dirty when you called herman a 'meen bitch'?**

"NOOOO DERE GONNA PUT U IN HELL BCUZ IF U WENT 2 HEVEN GOD WUD SEND U BAK BUT IF U WENT 2 HELL YOU WOULD NEVA COME BAK!11111111111111111111111" sed harry. **You wouldn't come back because the devil actually has some brains.**

"YESSSSSSSSS" sed da devil evilly.

den out of nowere a basketball came an hit satan out of his chair. it esploded in2 a blak hole! it sucked up da devils chair an da 2 detheaters holdin me. **Yes-a magic basketball. Perfect sense.**

"am i late?" sed magik jonson.

"ABOUT TIME NIGGER" sed da dumbledoor an hit 2 more buttons. **Sure-insult the guy who just saved you! **dey blew up somemore detheaters.

"well take it from here" sed magik jonson "u kids get out of here"

so me an herman jumped on da pink vacumcleener an flew away. **She finished sewing so now she can help. **

"WAIT 4 ME" sed harry.

"YOUR A GHOST U CAN FLY" i sed.

"OH YEAH" sed harry an flew up wit us. **Wait, Turtle knew something Harry didn't? *le gasp***

we were goin 2 da only place we knew. shieqwans apartment. **That's the only place? Wow, it really is "A Small World After All"!**


	20. A Clock Tunnel

**You readers should be honored. I'm making myself suffer to bring you comedy and laughs. **

"dere it is" i sed pointing at sheiqwazs apartment. **You know his apartment? Stalkers!**

we flew thru da window. glass went everywere. sheiqwaz wuz eatin KFC **I thought fried chicken was never invented-**wit his griffin and wtachin soulplane

"nigga wutchu doin? deres glass on my floor!111" he sed. **Everyone's a nigger.**

"vadermort took away my powers an da devil tried to kill me and put me in hell" i sed. **The devil was just trying to put you where you belong, Turtle. **

"daz awful" sed sheiqwaz.

hermon wuz vacumin up da brokin glass. **Ravenretallishun (author of Imma Wiserd) should write another fanfic: herman and the Vacuum. Wait-don't. I can't suffer that much.**

"how did he take ur powers" he sed.

"he went back in time an uninvented fried chikin" i sed

"fried chikin? wuz dat?" he sed.

"nigga arent u eatin KFC" i sed

"KFC doesnt make fried chikin" he sed. **Right, it's just called Kentucky Fried Chicken for fun.**

"we need ur help" sed herman.

"ok ill help u go bak in time" he sed.

den he got out a clock.

"since u dont dont have magik ull need these" he sed. he took out a bigass gun. "an some of des" and he gave me sum grenades. **Trusting Turtle with weapons? Wow**

i tok dem.

"i want 2 go bak in time 2" sed herman.

"oh u dont want 2 go bak in time" he sed "dey dont have pretty dresses or makeup or sewin mashines bak den" **So?**

"ur rite i dont want 2 go" sed herman **oh yeah-I am sooo sure that you are convinced.**

he put da clock in front of me.

"ill send u bak in time 10 thousen years ago" **Before human civilization?**

den he stared to move da hands bakwards an i stared to fall in2 1 of dos tunnels wit clocks flyin around" **Of course I remember!**

i fell out in hogwarts.**Hogwarts before humans? ** alot of tings looked differant. den... sum cracker hit my shoulder as he passed by. he had long hair and a berd.

"who do u tink u are" i sed. den he turned around.

"hi im jesus" he sed. **JESUS IS NOT IN HOGWARTS OR ON EARTH 10,000 YEARS AGO!**

**I'm in paaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!**


	21. Jesus 10,000 Years Ago

**I'm scared of what this chapter might hold…..**

AN: my precher told me all da jesus stories an wrote down da names 4 me so i cud use dem in my story. da following is a true story. **It's as true as the fact that we live on Venus in 4,000,222 degree weather. **

I was so amazed i wuz gonna pee myself... jesus... WAS WHITE!11 **Yes, yes he is.**

"oh my god" i sed.

"hey hey hey dont talk abot my dad dat way" he sed

"im sorry" i sed

"i havent seen u b4. were r u from" he sed **I'm from a world of illiterate people.**

"im from the future and ive cum 2 da past 2 invent fried chikin" i sed

"fried chikin" he sed "wuts that" **Jesus doesn't know something?**

"its da best food in da hooooole world" i sed

"why do u want to creat fried chikin" he sed **Cause I'm black.**

"becuz witout it i cant use magik" i sed

"well i can fix dat" sed jesus

den he put his hand on my hed and sed "HEAL" and... my magik powers were back!11 ***le gasp***

"wow" i sed. i looked at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed but dere wuz no ried chikin,

"you should get rid of that gun" sed jesus "theyre not allowed at school. u cud get crucified" **Wait…he spelled "crucified" correctly? *le gasp again***

i didnt no how he saw da gun but he pointed to my shirt and dey flew out an disapered.

"dont u need a wand 4 dat" i sed

"i never need a wand" he sed **I just need my father.**

"wow u must b a grate wiserd" i sed

"i lerned it at skool. do u go 2 school?" **I didn't learn if from God.**

"i used to..." i sed

"u have to go 2 skool" sed jesus " dat way you can get a high payin job. **What job can you get in 8000 B.C? Dinosaur trainer? **wen i graduate i want 2 b a carpender"

"well until i make fried chikin and get home can i go 2 ur school?" i sed **Which is my school but in the past?**

"sure but we need 2 go see da dumbledoor first" sed jesus **Dubledore is old, but not 10,000 years old!**

**I admit-not my bets commentary on these chapters. I'll try to make it more funny. :D**


	22. Abraham Lincoln Makes an Appearance

AN: i haf been gettin lots of reviows sayin i haf bad spelin an grammer **You do **so im tryin hard 2 give u da best reedin experiants. **There is no such thing.**

we were walkin cross da skoolgrounds an i saw lots of pepol on crosses.

"if you do someden bad around here den the dumbledoor crucifies you" sed jesus **An actual villain?**

den i got 2 thinkin. **HOLD EVERYTHING! Turtle actually thought!**

"hey jesus" i sed "if you invented cristeanity den are you cristin?"

"christeanity? wuz dat" sed jesus "im jewish. **Just like how Thomas Edison doesn't know what a lightbulb is! **(AN:i no i wuz suprised 2!)** I was surprised! But only because of your stupidity!** r dere any odder religons?"

so we kept walkin until we came 2 da dumbledoors door. we waked up da stairs until we came 2 his office.

"why hello mr christ!1" sed the dumbledoor.

"hello proffeser pilot" jesus sed **Pilot? As in someone who drives a flying vehicle?**

"wh is dat wit you" he sed

"oh dis boi wants 2 go to our skkol" sed jesus "his name is... WAIT!1 i dont know ur name" **All-knowing God doesn't know something. Of course.**

"my name is soulja sprit bu jackson. but u can calll me turtle" i sed **And you can call Dumbledore, Lizard and Jesus, Chicken.**

"well turtle" sed jesus "dis is da dumbledoor of da hole skool. professer pumpass pilot" **A Dumbledore is person, not a job.**

"thats strange" sed pumpass pilot "we just had a new profeser transfer in. but never mind. we have 2 get u sorted!11"

he tok out da sortin hat an put it on my hed. it sed... GIRFFENDOOR!1111111 **Another malfunction! You have to be brave.**

"grate dats da house im in" sed jesus

"but sudnt i be in ravencow!" i sed **A ravencow is the product of a raven and a cow that fell in love. 3 **

"soory da sortin hat has spoken" sed pumpass pilot and he put da hat under his desk. "is dere anyting else u need" **Yeah-dignity, intelligence, and a sandwich.**

"ya i need a magik wand" i sed

"well here u go" sed pumpass and he gave me a wand **So Pumpass is Dumbledore and Ollivander?**

"now you have everthing you need!" sed jesus "we can go 2 da commen room now"

so we wakked 2 da commen room but den i saw dis biiig tower

"hey jesus wuts dat" i sed

"thats were da ravencows live" sed jesus "babel tower" **Ravencows must live in tall towers so their mommy cow and daddy raven have room too.**

so we went in2 da commin room

"HEY JESUS" sed a girl an a boi "whos dat with you?" sed da girl

"dis is my new friend turtle" sed jesus "turtle, let me introduce you to my 2 best friends. mary margerin and judas." **(Here is my mother and my pal.)**

"hello turtle" dey both sed

"hello jesus. where have you been all day?" sed a picture at da back of da room. it wuz above da fire place. it was... ABRAHAM LINCON!111 **Shoot me now. Please-shoot me NOW.**

"oh im fine" sed jesus "meet my new frend turtle"

"hats off 2 you turtle" sed mr lincon an he tiped his hat.

"why do you have a picture of abraham lincon in ur commen room" i sed

"dont u know? abraham lincon is da father of da jews!" sed jesus **And Ronald McDonald is father of Protein Snacks.**

"hahaha" sed mr lincon merrily "u kids run along or ull mis diner"

so we all ran along 2 da great hall. **So now he calls it the Great hall!**

we sat down at da griffondoor tabel.

"hey i no u" sed judas. i didnt know him. **Confused…**

"wut?" i sed

"yeh i know u" sed judas. den i remembered. **Still confused….**

"oh yeah i met u in da future!1" i sed **Oh! He is the creepy old guy!**

den professor pilot got up an sed "students i want to introduce u 2 our new student turtle!1 and our new professor who just transferred in... professor snape!" **Snape is a gajillion years old too? **

**Eye-burning takes place tonight in my house! Bring your best torches!**


	23. Jesus and Momma

**This chapter is called "Sexy jesus" originally. **

**Me? Terrified? Nah….. (Ya I am)**

"WUT" i sed

snape was standin up on da podiam wearin a toga wit leefs on his hed.** All hail Lord Zeus!** he narrowd his eyes an lookd all meen at me from sa=acros da grate hall den went bak 2 sit wit da other teechers whu were also werin togas an leefs on dere heds. **Ladies and gentlemens…the Olympian Gods!**

"wow" sed jesus " we have a new teecher"

"hes evil" i sed

"come on we havnt even had a clas wit him yet" sed mary margerine **Her last name is butter…she must be fat.**

"no hes evil" i sed "he followed me 2 da past so i dont invent fried chikin and to kill me" **I am so on Snape's side! Any enemy of Turtle's is a friend of mine!**

den we had dinna. we didnt have anyting fried. all we had wuz bred wine fish and cheese.

after dat we went 2 da griffendoor commen room.

"how wuz dinna?" sed licon

"grate" sed jesus **Grate: Something that has many holes in it to shred. Dinner must have been shredded then.**

den i went up 2 my dorm room but i didnt have any pajamas so i slept in my clothes.

den everyone went to bed. expect jesus. so i got up and whent to da commen room lookin for him. den i saw dem. jesus wuz makin out wit mary margerine! **Making out with your momma? **he had his hand up her shirt and dey were kissin wit da tungs. **Dessert tonight: Mama Mary.**

i just stood dere.

abraham lincon wuz asleep. he had on a pink nightdress an a pink sleepin hat. **Disturbing….**

i quietly went bak to da dormroom. judas was there.

"hey turtle" he sed "where have you been" **I've been watching God's son make out with his mom.**

"nowhere" i sed an den when to sleep.

**For those who didn't know, Mary Margerine is based on the Virgin Mary, who is Jesus' Mom. So yes, readers, he did make out with his momma.**


	24. Again with the babies

**Review and fav if ya want me to keep updating! Here goes chapter 24….wish me luck**

i woke up. i rolled over... an i saw... mary margerine in da same bed as jesus! **Jesus is gonna be a father…**

"good mornin" dey both sed.

i wuz suprised. jesus didnt have a small white boy penis. he had a big black boy penis. **Awkward mental image….**

"well we better be goin down to brekfest" sed judas **Apparently this is normal for Judas.**

"hey wait!" sed sed lincon "you cant go out like that!"

"why?" i sed

"bcuz your not dressed n school uniform!"

"oh i forgot!" sed jesus. he pulled sometin out of his pocket an put it on my head. it wuz a jew hat! **Racist toward, blacks, whites, and Jews.**

"that looks alot better" said abraham lincon and tipped his hat to me.

we finished brekfast. den we went to math class wit professor soloman. snape wuz sittin at da back bcuz he had da class next. soloman had a baby on his desk.

"now class how many babies do I have on my desk" sed professer soloman. mary margerine raised her hand.

"one baby" she sed.

"thats right" sed soloman "now how many babies would i have if i cut dis baby in 2?"

no bodyanswered. den mary margerine raised her hand "two babies" she sed.

"daz correct!" sed soloman and he took out his chainsaw. he cut da baby in 2. blod went everywhere. snape licked his lips. **I think I know the author's favorite food…literal baby ribs.**

for da rest of da class soloman showed us how to make 4 babies out of 2 babies and 6 babies out of 4 babies.

when clas ended we had dark arts wit perfesser snape. he went up 2 da front of da class.

"goodmorning class" he sed "im ur new dark arts teacher." en he took up all da babies dat soloman left behind. "today ill teech u how to eat babies"

"WUT" sed jesus **Apparently even this Jesus has limits. Make out with Momma? Ya. Eat babies? No.**

"ur not trying to cause trouble are you mr. christ?" sed snape

"we cant eat babies!" sed jesus

"you can if you want an A !" sed snape. **I need to go talk to my math teacher about raising my grade to an A…I'll bring my baby sibling.**

"dont worry perfessor snape. ill eat babies." sed a meen looking boy. his name was goliath. **The first true fact…There was a mean guy named Goiliath.**

"thank you goliath. you are a nice an well mannered young man. u get an A." sed snape.

not everyone ate babies dat class. only da evil ppl did.

"turtle, mr. christ, can i see u after class" he sed when class ended.

we stayed.

"if you boys cause anymore trouble then ill have to punish you" he sed. **Just kill Turtle already!**

den we left.

**I am going ot go into extreme funny phase for the next chapters cause I feel like I haven't been doing my best. I apologize, this is difficult to do. :/**


	25. Hitler's Actual Translations

**Its short..thank Abraham lincoln's pink hat!**

meanwhil... 10000 years in da future an a mile under hogwarts...

"damn" sed dracula "we almost had him. we cudve takken on dumbledoor but we didnt tink of magik jonson" **Curses! We were foiled AGAIN!**

"fochnoktaf" sed hitler wich wuz out staf is short now an we lost many of r detheaters. **(Actual translation: We are the worst villains in history.) Or it could mean that he wants his baby well-done.**

"da devil is in da hosbitl bcuz he wuz fell off his weelchair an brock his hip." **Behold the invincible Devil. **sed dracula. "da same is 4 wolfman. I CAQNT BELIWEVE WE LET DAT NIGGA GO TO DA PAST!111111"

"ichkanvochinmatenvadermort" which ment vadermort followed him too. **(Or that he want Vadermort cooked well-done.)**

den dracula spoke "hes killed jesus b4... can he do it agin?"

**Actually, that was the best chapter. 1 being the worst, 10 being the best that was about a negative 301. Compared to the usual negative 500.**


	26. Teacher's Pet Wins

**Original chapter title: "Jesus' Big Red Balls" I hate these titles, it makes me scared every time..**

esus showed me 2 da lab.

"here youll have everyting you need to make dis "fried chikin"" he sed

"fried chikin?" sed judas "wuts dat?" **the source of Turtle's lameness.**

"its like chikin" i sed "but fried" **What's French fries? Its like fries, but French cause they have moustaches. **

"dats crazy" sed mary margerine "you cant do that" **I agree, just surrender.**

"but like hell im gonna try" i sed.

i mixed da chemicels. dey went through da glass pipes an da test tubes. i boiled dem on da fire.

jesus judas an mary margerine were watchin me all curious like.

den... DA WALL ESPLODED AN VADERMORT AN HIS DETHEATERS BURST IN!11111111 **Like I didn't see that coming.**

vadermort opened his cape. missles flew out an esploded everywere. glass startinb flyin every were. ***Praying that turtle dies***

"NOW YOULL NEVER INVENT FRIED CHIKIN!111" sed vadermort.

da detheaters took out dere wands an dere guns an started shootin magik an bullets at us.

jesus stepped in front of me.

"JESUS NO" i sed. **I agree with Turtle, let Turtle die!**

den his hands went all blury an he caut all da bullets betwen his fingers. den he through dem back at da detheaters. the bullets went thru vadermort an hit da detheaters. 15 detheaters died an vadermort fell down on his need tghrouwin up blood. **Woah…**

judas an mary margerine were shootin magik beems out of dere wands.

"how do u do dat?" i sed

"didnt dey teech you at school?" sed judas.**They might have, but I was too busy having sex with herman to notice.** an he showed me.

"u might need dis!" sed jesus an my gun appeared in my hand.

"but how will you fight jesus" i sed

"dont worry about me" sed jesus. den 2 big red balls appered in jesuss hands. he threw dem at da detheaters. da romm esploded. everyone wuz flyin in da air.

i landed on da grass outside.

mary mergerine had a magik sheeld in front of her.

"how do you do dat" i sed. an she showed me. **Fastest learner ever. Learn how to die, would ya.**

jesus floated out of da air an landed on his feet in front of us. but were wuz judas? **If he was smart, aiming to kill you.**

judas fell from da sky into da middle of da detheaters. his wand had a lazer sword commin out of it. he spun cut through 10 of da detheaters.

"wuts dat" i sed.

"dis is a wand blade"***cough* light *cough* saber** sed judas. an he showed me how to do it.

with my wand an my gun i shot bullets an magik at vadermort. he put up his hands an made a magik sheild to blok dem. jesus had another one of his big red balls **I thought he had a big black one o_O**an through it at vadermort. vadermort bloked it wit his magik wall but he wuz strainin.

"i underestimated da power of your magik lazer balls!" he sed.

den da ball broke through his magik sheild an slammed into his chest. his coat caught on fire. he wuz thrown back an burst through da brick wall behind him into da lab. he skitted across da glass covered floor.

we all looked at da dusty hole in da wall. den... missles flew out. dey were all aimed at... JESUS!

"NO" i sed. but detheaters were tryin to attack me from behind. i spun around an cut three of dem in haff wit my wand blade an den shot da others wit my gun an my wand. den i realised... i was surrounded! there wuz no way to shoot dem all! den i remembered... i still had sheiquazs gernades!

one ran at me wit a wand blade but i doged an kicked him into da other ones. den i through a grenade at dem all. dey were about to doge, but i wuz quick an took out my gun an shot da grenade in midair. it esploded. wit my wand an my gun i shot a guy who wuz commin at me from behind. i rolled on da ground past some other detheaters who i shot. den i took out 2 more gernades an shot dem into da detheaters. dere were 2 more esplosions.

missles were still flyin at jesus. but he wasnt afraid. he smiled. da missles flew around him and flew back at vadermort. dey went throug hda dusty hole in da wall an esploded. the lab colapsed a little.

50 guys were commin up from behind jesus. jesus clapped his hands together an dey all squished together in midair into a big bloddy pancake. den dey all shlooped to da ground like soup.

"OH LORD" sed one of da detheaters "SPARE ME!" an he got on da ground kneelin.

"ok. i wont kill u" sed jesus. an winked at da detheater an his hed esploded.

"WHATS GOIN ON HERE" sed pumpass piolet. he looked really mad. "LOO KAT THIS MESS"

vadermort had changed bak to snape. "dey shot me!" he sed. **Teacher's pet…..**

"WUT" sed pumpass piolet "mr. christ im very disappointed in you! all of you come to my office!"

**They all got in trouble for killing villains….Sorry about the lack of commentary in big paragraph, I was speechless…..**


	27. Josef is Special

we were walkin 2 pumpass pilots office. snape wuz limpin tryin 2 look like he wuz all hurt. he wuz lookin at me all meen like. **Milking it…clever. He could take lessons from me.**

"ur gonna get crucifyed for dis!" sed snape

"wut wuz dat" sed pumpass pilot **The "DUmbledoor" of the school doesn't know?**

"nuttin" sed snape "i wuz just tellin these kids wut naughty little assholes they are"

"yes. u r quite naughty. lucky 4 u we changed da rules 100 years ago. bak den we wud shove a pole up ur ass 2 kill u." **Or you could just eed them a Big Mac…boom! Instant heart attack!**

an speekin of shovin poles up ppls assholes i saw dis gay kid. **That is what you connect gay kids to?**he had a coat of lots o colors.

jesus waved at him. "hello josef" he sed **"Hey Dad!"**

"hello jesus" he sed

"whos dat" i sed

"hes josef" sed mary margerine **Josef is Jesus' dad and mary's husband. **"hes frum hufflypuff. hes head of da gay pride parade" **Hufflepuffs are not gay! They are just good finders…**

den i got scared. i wuz afrayed hed try an stik his cock in my asshole.**being hit on by a person fo your same gender….awkward I guess.**

den he lookd at me. "whos ur frend" he sed.

"oh daz turtle" sed jesus "hes new here"

den josef winked at me. **This is so messed up**

"so where r u guys goin" he sed.

"we r goin to professer pilots office" sed judas.

he put his hands on his hips and an shook his hed. "dont b sad" he sed. den he clicked his fingers an did a little turn. "rainbow!" he sed an a rainbow shot out of his fingers an it went over us. lil sparky things fell on us. we felt so happy. **Wow… O_o**

**I need a rainbow after reading this story cause I'm so sad!**


	28. Punishment

**Here I go…**

we wuz in pumpass pilots office an he had da telephone out.**The telephone was invented in 8000 B.c? ** "now b4 i call ur parants i want 2 know da situashun"

"those chillin **(Chillin: a slang term meaning hanging out) **an dat nigger shot me an it wuz not ingoyable**(Ingoyable: a word that does not exist)** at all!" sed snape

pumpass pilot jumped out of his seat "IS DIS TRUE MR. CHRIST! I AM SHOCKED!"

"its bcuz he attaked us" sed mary margerine

"no i didnt" sed snape

"well ur a teecher so you must b right" sed pumpass pilot. **%%*ing Headmaster! Believe the teacher. Why don't you put your faith in a garbage can?**

"we were in da lab" sed judas

"what were u doin in da lab" sed piolet

"we were makin fried chikin" i sed

"fried chikin?" sed pumpass pilot "wuts dat? is it a type of drug" **yes. It's a drug that causes illiterate writing and improper spelling. Its what the author is hooked on.**

"yes" sed snape evillhy

"well ive herd enuff" sed pilot "im tired of u kids walkin around smokin ur fried chikin an blarin ur "clasikel" music (AN: see bcuz soulja boi hadnt ben inveted yet)" **It must have been a great time in the world…..**

den he dialed da phone. it rang. den god piked it up. **God has a phone?**

"mr christ" sed pilor "im here 2 inform u dat ur son has been causin truble"

"wut" sed god

"have u herd of dis new drug called "fried chikin"?" sed pilot **You know? Famous fried chicken addict ravenretallishun is on it.**

"fried chikin? wuts dat?" sed god

"aparantyly des kids were makin it in da lab. den profesor snape like da good teecher he is came to stop dem. an dey shot him. im now afrayed 2 inform u dat ur son has been suspended for a cuple of days"

"i am suprised" sed god "im sorry dat my son is so emoture" **(Emo: a state of mind that causes morbid thoughts and suicidal feelings.) Apparently Jesus wishes to be home (or dead.)**

den pilot hung up.

"now mr christ. go out an wait for your father 2 pick u up" he sed

jesus went out lookin all sad. den a beem of light came down. an dere wuz god lookin like an angry 50 cent about to pop a cap in someones ass. he grabed jesus an dey went 2 heven. **That is a punishment? Going to heaven?**

den pilot picked up da phone again an called... MY MAMA

"hello? miss buu jackson?"

"who is dis?" she sed

"dis is pumpass pilot." sed pumpass pilot. "i am da dumbledoor of da hogwats skool"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD" she yelled. **She knows? Someone has broken the Statue of Secrecy!**

"my bois in skool?" sed my mama **He's smart enough to be in school? I would be a surpised mom too.**

"yes. an now hes suspended. i need u 2 pik him up"

den judas wispahed in pumpass pilots ear.

"WUT" he sed "hes frum da future! den dis cant be happening!" an da phone disapeared.

"well obviosuly he cant b picked up" sed snape "den he shud go in da loins den... for 24 HOURS" **(Loin: cloth that covers one's private.)**

"dat sounds sounds like a great idea!" sed pumpass pilot an 2 gaurds grabed me an put me in da loins den.***I am praying that jesus chooses to have him come to heaven…completely dead.**

**Willl it end? At the 83****rd**** chapter it will…. :'(**


	29. Joself Jumps Into His Death

da loins were cummin towards me. dey were big an yellow **As opposed to purple? **an dey wanted 2 eat me. **Nah, they just want to play hide n' seek in their tummies.**

den i realised... dey didnt take my gun away! so i took out my gun an my wand an started firen. but da bullets an magik ust bounced off! dey werent loins at all! dey wuz... DETHEATERS! ***dramatic music plays***

"OH NO DEY GOT ME" i sed. den i herd somedn from above.

"wutchu goin down dere turtle" somone sed. it wuz... JOSEF!1

"HELP DERE GONNA KILL ME" i sed **Have the dude in the colorful coat help….he can make them all so happy with his rainbow!**

"no dey wont!" den he clicked his heels an did a lil turn "rainbow!" an a rainbow came out of his hands. **Called it! **den all da detheaters stopped an started havin gay sex with eachodder. **I have no comment**

"CLIMB UP" sed josef. an i did.

"tank u" i sed

"ur welcom" he sed an jumped down in da pit. **Why on Earth would you jump down?**

"have a nice time** while you die!**!" i sed 2 josef wavin. den i took out my wand an my gun. i had unfinished bussiness with snape. **Go kill Snape…don't save your friend or anything**

**Better? I hope so. Enjoy the next chapters… wait you can't**


	30. Intercourse During a Meeting

**Dying….all for you, readers…. **

in an empty classrom snape wuz sittin at da front desk in front of a bunch of students.

"now u no why i brot u here 2day" he sed " i ned u 2 be my eyes an eers in dis skool an keep an eye on jesus an his gang so dat dey dont start noddin" **Could this be like Umbridge's Imperial Squad?**

in front of his were children. **For the third time, call the Redundancy Police of Redundancy for the third time!**

golith who wuz a bigass muthafukka **Wow….I don't know what I should say…**

jezibel who wuz a whore **Who? And wow….tell me that jezebel was a girl**

harod who wuz all rite (but he wuz evil) **He's good, but he's evil. :/ Retarded sentence.**

and josefs many brothers

"alrite" sed golith takin a bite out of his baby **So villains eat babies. Good to know.**

"okay" sed harid takin a baby out of a sack an breakin its neck **This is so morbid…what does he have against babies?**

"thats fine" sed jezibel bendin ova a table an havin sex wit josefs many brodders. **Wth? In the middle of a freaking meeting? **but no 1 cud heer her cuz she had a cock in her mouth. **What the…? Awkward image….**

"from now on i am makin an oragnisation dat u must pass down to ur chuildren. an dat meens u jezebel." sed snape "frum now on... u will be nown as... DA DETHETTERS" **Didn't Death Eaters attack Turtle already? When they got in trouble by pumpass Pilot. Here is a link for the author: ****.com/browse/consistency?s=t**

"okay can we go now" sed jimbolia (1 of josefs many brodders) **Fake names….at least make them convincing not over the top.**

"wait" sed snape. "u must never tell any1 of dis classroom. it must remain a secret. an from now on it shall be known ass**(Ass: A donkey or a person who is not likable)**... THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!1"

**Hate this…..so much…Get the Chamber of Secrets right! Ugh. Now this chapter made me mad! Idk why**


	31. David and Goliath

**Got out of my angry mood. Let's write some commentary to a pathetic excuse for a story.**

da meetin oin da chamber of secrets wuz dismissed. but i didnt no dat bcuz i didnt know about da chamber of secrets or wut snape wuz doin yet. **Wow...**

den i saw dis bigass motherfuka pikin on sum kids. **He really likes that word.**he wuz throwin dem around an hittin dem into eachother.

"hey! stop dat!" i sed. **Turtle is so going to get beat up…**den he turned around.

"i know u" he sed in a bigass muthafuka voice. **There's a voice for that? **"snape told me 2 keep an eye out 4 u. shudnt u be in da loins den?"

"yeh but all da detheatters he brot from da future are now havin gay butt sex with josef" i sed **That's a random sentence…**

"DAM" he sed. "i gess im gona have 2 kick yo ass" he nocked da gun out of my hand. i tryed 2 shot him wit magik but it cudnt go thru his bigass muthafuka skin. **I need skin like that…invincible skin…**

den he pulled out his wand an stared shotin me but i reflected it wit da magik sheeld dat mary tot me. but da magik still cudnt thru his bigass muthafuka skin.

so we both used our wand blades.**I 3 lightsabers too. Ya know, that you stole from lord of the Rings.** i wuz faster an i cut his bigass muthafuka skin bcuz a wandblade cud cut thru anyting.

"AH" he sed an cut my blak skin dat wuz shiny wit swet.

"AH" i sed den i jumped up an wuz about 2 cut his face in 2 but he bloked an thru me away. i layed dere like a cat.** That is because you are a pussy.** he wuz stabbin at me wit his wand blade but i rolled an cut his ankel. **I thought he had too thick of skin…**

"AH " he sed an den turned around an slashed. i bloked. den he slashed an it wuz so hard i went 2 my knees.

everyone wuz gatherin around. dey were booing at golieth an cheerin 4 me. **Why? Were they as illiterate as you?**

den dere wuz a crack. goliath spat mouth nose an ears. **(Spat: to spit out something.) I wonder what eyes and noses taste like…. **an den he fell ova ded.

dere wuz a bigass rock in da back of his hed.

it wuz one of da boys he wuz pikin on. his name wuz david. "TAKE DAT MUTHAFUKA" he sed. **WaiT! David and Goliath from the bible….there was an actual consistent storyline? *commentator choking on her water out of surprise***

den snape came in. "WUT DA FUCK IS GOIN ON HERE" he sed. but he cudnt see us yet cuz we were in da middle of da students. **He's blind? xD **"golieth? why r u laying down right dere? sudnt u b in class?"

david tapped me on da shoulder. "he cant see us yet. lets go hide out in babyl tower." an we did.

**Wow. 52 chapters left! Wish me luckkkkkkk**


	32. The Wiserd's Stone

**Ready? For horror a la carte and a side of laughter?**

me an david were wakkin up da many stairs until we came 2 da ravenclaw picture. but it wasnt a picture. it wuz a dragen.

"u cant cum in unless ur in ravenclaw" it sed

"im in ravenclaw" sed david

"an ill be in ravenclaw in da fututre" i sed. **Due to a major sorting hat malfunction. He should be…well-he shouldn't be a wizard, that's for sure.**

"ok u can cum in" it sed. an we did.

dere were pillows everywere an goatppl. **Satyrs were there?** it wuz really anchent lookin. den a old man wit a bred came up 2 me.

"who r u" i sed

"im noah. noah ark" he sed "wut r u doin here" **What is with all these Biblical references?**

"oh plz mr ark" sed david "me an turtle r hidin from snape. well b here for a while"

"oh i never liked snape" sed noah "he seems kinda evil to me" **Well aren't you the judge of character!**

'well be hidin out here for a while" sed david

"theyll b lookin up her. so u need to hide in da upper levels wit da monsters an da demons"

"wut" i sed.

"when god wuz goin to flood da world he told me to build an ark. but i built dis tower insted. **You disobeyed **_**God?**_we all went to da top, but so did all da monsters an demons god wuz tryin to kill. den on da last day he sent a raven 2 claw my eyes out. so i decided to call dis house ravenclaw. **Rowena Ravenclaw started this House, not you! **an dats why we have monsters up dere." he sed

"wow" i sed. i wuz amased. **It doesn't take much to amaze you, huh?**

"but deres still more" sed noah "a great woserd once made a stone dat gave ppl magikal powers. an he called it da wiserd stone. **Great name. *claps slowly, clearly not amazed* **an he put at da top of da tower. an to make sure dat no one cud get it he made da demons an monsters more powers.**Give evil demons powers? Give the evil witch the ruby slippers would ya?** it can turn anyting into anyting else."

"if da wiserd stone can change anyting into anyting..." i sed "...den maybe i can use it to invent fried chikin!" i sed.

"hey david" i sed "we sud go an try an find da wiserd stone"

"dat sounds dangerous" sed david "we might need sum wepons" he went in his room an came bak wit a slingshot. **Slingshot vs. demons with powers: demon wins.**"okay lets go"

i took out my gun an my wand "ya lets go" i sed an we went up da stairs.

"dont forget to lock dat big magik door wen you go so dat da monsters dont cum in here!" sed noah.

**Something is actually occurring like in the novels: when they find the Sorcerer's Stone. However, now it is called the "Wiserd's Stone" and it is in ravenclaw Tower, making the idea, well, stupid.**


	33. Turtle Acts Like a Ninja, But Isn't

**So I am soo bored and this is the only thing to relieve my boredom….I must update for all of you. PM me if you have any comments, questions, or random stuff.. xD**

we were in da upper level of da tower above da common room. it wuz blak. **Blend in like a ninja! :{**we cudnt see anyting. denn... a monster wit glowin green eyes jumped at david. dey were wrestlin on da ground. i wondered why he cudnt see me. den i realised. it wuz dark. an i wuz blak. so he cudnt see me. **I told you that you blended in! Never listen to white chicks, I see….**

david shoved a grenade in his mouth. "TAKE DIS MOUTHAFUKKA" he sed an den he hit his he so dat da monsters hed esplosded. he flew across da room. in da light of da esplosion i saw sat dere wuz not just one monster. der wuz a gajillion of dem! **That's a lot. **an dragens. an demons. an bats. but dey werent regular bats. dey were... VAMPIRES! ***Commentator bangs head on desk out of disgust that vampires are here again***

"HOLY SHIT" sed david

i put my hands up an made my magik sheeld. "NOW DIE" i sed an pushed da sheeld toward dem. 50 of da monsters were runnin towards us an dey vaporized. den a vampire put up his sheeld an dey hit in da middle. dere wuz a huge esplosion. da hole tower shook.

"wut wuz dat" sed pumpass piolet down in da common room.

"im sure it wuz nottin" sed noah.

"oh ok" sed pilot.

den i took out my wand blade. "COVA ME" i sed

"OK" sed david an put a grenade in his slingshot.

i ran at a monster. he took out his sord of evil. **There's a difference? **i cudnt sut throu it so he blocked. put as i wuz doin dat 20 more vampires came up behind me. so i took out my gun an shot dose muthfukkas down. den da others slashed at me so i blocked wit my gun an slashed dem in haff. den dere wuz an esplosion behind me. david blew up 10 more muthafukkas.**He should blow you up…you are one.** den he put in two grenades at once an fired on eitha side of me. all of dem died.

den a dragen came at me. i blocked hit my sheeld an all his fire went on da monsters to da other side. den i rolled an cut his hed off. but dere fire comin out of his neck an he had acid blood. i kicked da neck so dat it spred all ova da odder enemies. den i shot it wit my wand. everyone wuz on fire. i could see dem now. dere were werewolfs above my hed. dey jumped down wit two sords in each hand. but dey werent swords. dey were machine gun sords with grenade lanchers. i put up my sheeld, but dey hit it so hard dat it broke. i jumped up an cut da first one in half. den i jumped of him an attack da second one. he had his sord up but i cut through it and his hed. den i jumped off him an stabed da third one. den i grabbed one of his sords an shot one of da ones on da ceeling. i shot him so miny times dat he tiurned 2 blud an it fell on me. **Turtle is not that awesome. I am..but not him… ;)**

i took dat gun an threw it at da enemys an shot it wit my wand. dere wuz a huge esplosion. flamin body parts and blood covered in asid flew toward us.

"NOW I NO I HERD SUMDEN" sed pumpass pilot

"it wus da wind" sed noah.

"well i can tell dat mr buu jackson isnt here" sed pilot. "ill be leevin now" an he left. but just an he left da acid ate thru da floor an we fell thru wit all da flamin monsters.

"wuts goin on here?" sed noah.

i fell out of da hole an cut one of da monsters in haff an blod sprayed everywhere. david wuz standin lookin down from da hole an shootin granades at da monsters. all da windows broke an all da glass flew intoo da monsters an children. everyone wuz runnin around scarred. **(Scarred: to have multiple scars everywhere. Some scars are stupid lines, but some are lightning-shaped) **excpet me an david. **Well aren't you the hero.**

i ran along da walls **See, there is this thing called gravity…**an jumped an cut two werewolfs in half.

"everyone calm down" sed noah.

dere wuz a monster in da middle of da room who had a monster in each hand an wuz takin a bite out of each of dem. an da werewolfs were bitin children so dat dey bcame werewolfs. da vampires were bitin children 2. an deywere tunin into vampires. den david shot a grenade at da monster at da middle of da floor. his hed esploded.

"OK. DAZ IT" sed noah. a ball of energy came between his hands an he through it. it turned into... A WHITE HOLE!***Shakes head* Black hole vs. white hole. Everything is racist.** an it sucked up all da monsters da furiture an a cuple of children.

den dere wuz a knock at da door.

"noah?" sed pumpass pilot "is sumden wrong in dere?"

"ill be dere in a minute!" sed noah. den he turned to us. "GET YO ASSES BACK UP DERE AN DONT DO DAT AGAIN!" **Ooohhh…you told them. *sarcastically***

**So? What do you think of Turtle the hero? Review if you want it to end…and if you want turtle dead.**


	34. What Happens In The Chamber Stays

"WHERE WERE U" sed snape 2 some of his detheatters from da future.

"we were down in da pit havin gay butt sex"**I should use that excuse at school when I'm tardy….** sed one of da detheatters.

"wut?" sed snape.

"yeah. sum very powerful wiserd clicked his heels an did a little turn an sed "rainbow" an we felt so happy dat we wanted 2 have gay butt sex with eacheother." **Now that's just weird….**sed da detheatta

"who did dis?" sed snape

"dis guy" sed 1 of da detheatters an he turned around. dere wuz josef havin gay butt sex in dat guys ass.

"HOW DID U GET IN DA CHAMBER OF SECRETS" sed harod

"i wuz lookin around da skool 4 sum gay butt sex" **Argghhhh…stop saying it…..**sed josef "have u seen any?"

"no i havnt" sed harod evilly

"NOW GO AWAY AN NEVER RETURN" sed snape "AN FORGET DAT YOU EVER WENT INTO DA CHAMBER OF SECRETS" **Idiot…blow your cover…**

"chamber of secrets?" sed josef "wuts dat"

"never mind" sed snape "now GO AWAY"

"ok" sed josef. an he did. **%#$ing Idiot!**

**Welll…now we know that Josef is an idiot and that Death Eaters have a new hobby. Rather than just catching Snickers…(Read previous chapters)**


	35. Planning to Shoot Puppies

**I think that I'm gonna take a break soon. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm torturing myself…..Feel honored, dear readers.**

moses wuz lookin around da slitherin commen room at all da chillin. in his hand wuz a magik staff dat turned into a snake. den he saw harod an jezebell wakkin out da door wit a shotgun.

"hey hey hey hey" he sed "u kids cant have shotguns in skool"

"its ok mr moses" sed harod "were not gonna hunt students. were gonna go out in da woods an shoot pupies" **Awwwwww * makes sad face***

"oh well i gess dats alrite den.**You are ok with them killing puppies!** but if ur out dere an u see dat evil nigger turtle den u had better shoot him 2 deth" sed moses.

"ok" dey sed

den... A RAINBOW BUST THRU DA WINDOW !1

jezebell got so scared dat she had a baby. ***commentater pauses awkwardly, imagining it, and then bursts out laughing***

"oh look anodderone" she sed an put it in her bakpack full of babies.

den josef slid down da rainbow. "hey guys were u goin" sed josef "if ur goin 2 da chamber of secrets can i cum?"

"shh" sed jebadiah (1 of josefs many brodders)

"hey look its my many brodders!" sed josef "i didnt expect 2 see u guys here!"

"chamber of sectrets?" sed moses "wuts dat"

"oh its a grate place" **(Again..grate. They must shred a lot of cheese.)**sed josef "were dose ppl go 2 hatch evil schemes with snape" **I thought he didn't know….**

"WUT" sed moses an his staff into a snake. dat scared jezebel so much dat she had anodder baby which she den put into her bakpack. "UR PLOTTIN EVIL TINGS WIT SNAPE"

"yeh" sed josef.

den moses ran towards dem. "u cant go outside" he sed. den jezebell hit him ova da hed wit her sack of babies.

"ow" he sed den fell ova in pain "i gess u kids rly r evil..." **You were gonna let them shoot puppies! **den hared poped a cap in his ass. den he he started wrigglin around in pain.

"quik lets get out of here" sed jezebell an jezebell harod an josefs many brodders ran away.

"josef..." sed moses

"yes" he sed

"u were right... here take dis staff an stop dem..." den he fell asleep. **Fall asleep? Dang-guess even old guys gotta nap.**

"tanks" sed josef an looked it up an down "i no wut imma do wit dis"

**I'm still upset about the puppies. This author is an illiterate, baby-eating, puppy-hating jerk! **

**Okay….when I wrote this my dog looked at me all sad like and I thought "She can read my mind!" xD**


	36. Awkward Topic

**Warning: this is so R-rated….that it is unbelievable.**

josef at da hufflepuff table eattin fruit loops becuz it wuz his favorite cereal bcuz dey reminded him of fruity gay buttholes. **Officially cannot eat Fruit loops.**he wuz sittin an tinkin about da staff dat moses gave him den some1 sat down beside josef wit a big bowl of fruitloops.

"why hello josef" he sed.

"oh hello bradberry" sed josef. bradberry had a mustash an a fancy monical an a colorful top hat. **That is a…"special" image.**

"how r u" sed bradberry.

"fabulos" sed josef

"fabulos!" sed bradberry.

den a big muscular man wit a rainbow thong walked past dem. ***commentator banging head on desk, trying to get image out of her head***

"oh hey steven" sed josef

"oh hey" sed steven flewing hois gay arms "u look tubled. have u had ur gay buttsex 2day?" **No. Nor will I…EVER!**

"well i-" sed josef but dey were interuppted by da hed of hufflepuf sittin down.

"hello children" he sed.

"hello mr samariten" all da hufflepuffs sed. but he wasnt da good samartian. he wuz da gay samariten. **Of course…. **bcuz when he wuz little he grew u wit da good samaritan da grumpy samaritan da dopey samariten da happy samariten an all da odders. **What? I…either that makes no sense or I don't want to think about that.**

"HEY FAGGOT" sed someone on da slitherin table. den everyone on da hufflepuff table turned bcuz dey were all gay. **All turn at an insult? Sad… **"are u talkin 2 me" dey all sed.

"hey!" sed anodder hufflypuff "if dey called us den dey must have sum gay butsex wit dem!" **What…does that always have to come up?**

"HORRAY" sed bradberry. den all da hufflepuffs got up and moved over to da slitherin tabel 4 sum gay buttsex. **In front of everyone? *le throw up**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed da sltherins. but it wuz too late. **Too late to run screaming?**

**Disturbing? Yes. Mind-scarring? Yes. Commentator going to be able to sleep tonight? No.**


	37. Greatest Wizard

**Hopefully the topic has changed from gay butt sex.**

"you better watch out" sed snape "next to jesus hes da gratest wiserd dat ever lived." **Who?**

de were all in da chamber of secrets. jezebell wuz so suprised dat she had a baby. **Again? Its like 9****th**** grade birthing video in health times 34. **harod looked at it hungrily.

"well tank u" sed josef. snape snapped around suprised.

"HOW DID U GET IN HERE" sed snape

"my friend steven broke a hole in da wall" sed josef. **Wow….**

"who are dey!" sed snape.

"oh dese are my friends" sed josef "bradberry an steven" **They're gay.**

"how do you do" sed bradberry tippin his hat.

"hey hansome" sed steven flexin his gay mussles. **The difference between gay muscles and straight muscles is….?**

"well were gettin tired of u" sed snape "so were gonna have to kill you" **I agree. **

"dont do dat!" sed josef "just be happy!" den he clicked his **ruby **heels an did a little turn. **"There's no place like home." **"RAINBOW"

"avada kadavra" sed snape and da rainbow died. a tear went down josefs face.

"dats so horrible" he sed

"dont b sad josef" sed steven "lets go have some gay buttsex." **So sad…lets do that to cheer us up! *pukes***

"ok" sed josef an dey went away.

"were gonna have to do someden about dat annoyin son of a bitch" sed snape

"but how" sed jezebell "hes da gratest wiserd since jesus" **Only cause he has gay butt sex?**

"we dont have to worry about esus" sed snape "hes suspended. he wont be back any time soon. but harod... dis is wut well do..."

**We'll start by burning our eyes out! Tonight at 8 pm?**


	38. Hufflepuff's Fav Hobby

under his cloak harod had da most powerful antimagik knife ever made. a atomik vibratin antimagik knife. dere wuz 2 big buttcheeks. **Has 2 buttcheeks and vibrates. xD**

"password" it sed

"gay buttsex" sed harod **oh my….just STOP bringing it uP!**

"DATS CORRECT" sed dat huge ass. den its butt cheeks spread apart 2 reveal da hufflepuff commin room. **That's a horrible grand entrance.**but da hufflepuff commin room wuz... EGYPT!

dere wuz sand everywere an he cud see da penismids **Like how they called castles boobstles. xD**(wich is wut dey called da pyrimids back den) **No they really didn't..**

dere were all da huffle puffs havin gay buttsex decorating and doing muikal theater.

den... steven threw his big arms around him.

"hey cutie" he sed "i havent seen u before." ***commentator pukes* I have nothing wrong with gays, but this is all about gay butt sex. **

"hey hes probably lookin for sum gay buttsex!" sed one of da other hufflepuffs

"HORRAY" sed bradberry an all da hufflepuffs ran up to harod 4 sum gay buttsex.

"" sed harod. but it wuz 2 late. **Too late to what? Run? It's never too late to be a chicken.**

"hey look he has a vibrator!" sed one of da hufflepuffs pullin his cock out of harods ass. it wuz da atomic vibratin antimagik knife. he switched it on an shoved it up harods ass. _**Yeeeeeeoooouuuccchhhh!**_

**It keeps getting sooooo awkward! Like…mucho. Now if you excuse me, I need to go clean out my puke can….. Yuck.**


End file.
